


shooting the shit

by reva_pocalypse



Series: assorted earth c shenanigans [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Other, Slice of Life, also theyre literally just vibing, do not worry wlws the jadedavepeta content is equal to the davekat content, i am not faking you out, not fucking with the epilogues rn, so dont expect any plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-18 13:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21277715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reva_pocalypse/pseuds/reva_pocalypse
Summary: jade visits the davekat household, lured by the promise of homemade food (she just wants to criticize their awful cooking) (she doesn't actually think those two can make anything edible) (don't worry she's not gonna get food poisoning)
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Davepetasprite/Jade Harley
Series: assorted earth c shenanigans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696426
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	1. 8)

JADE: mmmf!!  
JADE: davf, thish actuay tashts wike foo!  
DAVE: uh yeah ofc it does  
DAVE: did you expect me to be a comically awful cook or something  
DAVE: slander  
DAVE: only competent food creation aloud in the davekat household  
JADE: well that sounds extremely out of character  
JADE: wasn’t the pantry over there filled with hot pockets the last time i was here?  
DAVE: what does that have to do with meal preparation  
DAVE: come on dont try to insinuate that i cant even microwave a hot pocket im not a fucking heterosexual  
JADE: okay, okay, i get it.   
JADE: you’re very gay and in love with karkat!  
DAVE: well   
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: ok can you really blame me though just look at the guy  
DAVE: have you seen his face when he hears a really good joke  
DAVE: he gets this stupid little grin he tries to hide but then i comment on it in a predictably humorous striderian fashion  
DAVE: and it just gets bigger and his face goes all red and  
DAVE: wow that is  
DAVE: quite a lot of words that just came out of my mouth wasnt it  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: jade are you okay you look like youre choking  
DAVE: do we need to get my good man heimlich in here or  
JADE: ahaha, bowl o you to ahhume i can’t, hahahaha, prshinally prrfor eh heilich aneuvrr in y sheep!  
JADE: alsho... nope! i’m fine now.  
JADE: you really shouldn’t embarrass yourself so thoroughly while i’m eating, it’s bad for my health!  
DAVE: well excuse me for being in love with my boyfriend  
DAVE: fuck!  
JADE: hehehehehe!!!  
DAVE: anyway is the food still good or did your awful assumption about me turn out to be true  
JADE: it’s still pretty decent. guess i gotta hand you this one!  
JADE: but you know, just one thing is missing.  
JADE: this meal could really use a tiiiny touch of............  
DAVE: of  
JADE: .............................  
DAVE: are you gonna make me guess  
JADE: ........................................  
DAVE: ok youre a plant girl so its probably a herb or something  
DAVE: what’s that one with the spicy leaves called  
JADE: ........................  
DAVE: fuckin uh  
DAVE: hazel  
DAVE: maize bell  
JADE: ....................  
DAVE: BASIL thats the bitch  
JADE: ............  
DAVE: dammit  
DAVE: thats like  
DAVE: the only food plant i know the name of  
JADE: .....  
DAVE: wait  
JADE: ...  
DAVE: wait  
JADE: .  
DAVE: oh my fucking god don’t you da  
JADE: thyme 8)  
JADE: also it’s pronounced “herb”  
JADE: the h is silent silly!!!  
DAVE: ok just coasting over that entire section of our conversation for a second  
DAVE: whether or not i say herb or your worse version is up to me  
DAVE: theres no set rule for the word yknow  
JADE: that doesn’t mean you’re right!  
JADE: i distinctly remember writing my latest dissertation last week, and unless i’m suffering from a particularly sneaky bout of amnesia, i remember that various herbs were heavily discussed in the bulk of the-  
DAVE: how many fancy college degrees do you really need man  
DAVE: were gods wont people just trust you know what youre doing  
JADE: considering some of the dumbasses we’ve set loose on earth c, i wouldn’t be so surprised if people aren’t so quick to trust me!  
DAVE: have you been talking to rose and kanaya lately  
DAVE: i dont think ive been this thoroughly destroyed by anyone other than those two in my life  
DAVE: is their destructive influence spreading  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkat get in here  
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT?  
KARKAT: DID YOU KILL JADE.  
DAVE: tf you talkin about  
KARKAT: OH, SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING HER EAT YOUR GODAWFUL COOKING TODAY.  
KARKAT: IT’S PROBABLY A GOOD THING YOU GAVE HER JANE’S INSTEAD.  
JADE: ohhhhh so that’s why i’m not writhing in pain on the ground right now!  
DAVE: dude i called you in here so we could prepare the emergency sarcasm bunker  
DAVE: but tragically youve been infected too  
DAVE: the one man i thought i could trust  
DAVE: taken by the sarpocalypse  
DAVE: the sarcatastrophe  
DAVE: the sarcasaclysm  
KARKAT: (ANYWAYS HI JADE.)  
JADE: (hi karkat!)  
KARKAT: (I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR THIS DOUCHEBAG I REGRETFULLY CALL MY PARTNER.)  
JADE: (don’t worry, i’m used to it by now hehe)  
JADE: (actually i should be thanking you! he was so much more insufferable before he met you.)  
KARKAT: (IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?)  
KARKAT: (OH, FUCK. YOU’RE RIGHT. THE MEMORIES OF PAINFUL INTERACTION WITH A SIX SWEEP OLD VERSION OF HIM ARE POURING BACK INTO THE FOREFRONT OF MY PAN, UNLEASHED FROM THE DUSTY CORNERS I’D STRUGGLED TO CONFINE THEM TO.)  
KARKAT: (ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, HE ISN’T MUCH MORE TOLERABLE THESE DAYS. LESS MISOGYNISTIC? YES. LESS SELF-CENTERED AND ANNOYING? COULDN’T BE HIM!)  
JADE: (at least nowadays he doesn’t try to hide his debilitating childhood crush on june hehehe!)  
JADE: (now i just gotta get you to admit your own...)  
KARKAT: OVER MY DEAD BODY!  
DAVE: what no wdym  
DAVE: the homoeroticism is a key part of this plan you cant throw that out the window now  
KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: whatever im sure youll change your mind once were sixty days into solitary confinement and youre starting to go batty from the lack of strider ass in your life  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
DAVE: dammit you didnt hear any of that did you  
DAVE: please tell me you at least heard me call it the sarcasaclysm thats a killer name  
KARKAT: *SIGH* YES.  
KARKAT: THAT PARTICULAR PORTMANTEAU WAS SO KILLER IT ANNIHILATED THE AURICULAR SPONGE CLOT I HAD GRACIOUSLY POINTED IN YOUR DIRECTION.  
KARKAT: AFTER THAT DEVASTATING ATTACK, I WAS FORCED TO COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU FOR AN AGONY-FILLED TWO MINUTES. FOR MY OWN SAFETY, OF COURSE.  
JADE: also we were still dissing you :)  
DAVE: B(  
JADE: hehehehehe!!! <3  
DAVE: karkat wait  
KARKAT: FUCK, AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HYDRATE MYSELF ANYMORE?  
DAVE: oh no thats fine yeah  
DAVE: you know what they say hydrate or diedrate haha  
KARKAT: HEY, IS SOMETHING WRONG?  
DAVE: what no why would something be wr-  
KARKAT: SHUT UP, LET ME THINK.  
DAVE:   
DAVE:   
DAVE:   
DAVE: are you done yet  
KARKAT: NO!!!  
KARKAT: ...ACTUALLY, YES.  
KARKAT: MY SUDDEN SHOUTED DISMISSAL WAS ENTIRELY DUE TO JADE MEDDLING IN MY CURSED PAST. IT GENUINELY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE “HOMOEROTICISM” YOU WERE GOING ON ABOUT.  
KARKAT: YES, I STILL WANT TO BE HUMAN GAY WITH YOU. TROLL GAY, TOO.  
DAVE: kk you cant just reach into my psyche and bear my soul to the world like this   
DAVE: there are permits for this shit and i damn well dont remember you signing any papers in recent history  
DAVE: what are you forging legal documents n-  
KARKAT: OKAY I’M GONNA STOP YOU THERE.  
KARKAT: DID I FIX IT? OR WAS THAT AN AWFUL MISINTERPRETATION-FILLED ATTEMPT AT CONSOLING YOU. FUCK, I’M SORRY IF IT WAS.  
DAVE: wait no dont apologize that was so sweet  
DAVE: i mean dude youre the best i  
DAVE: thank you <3  
KARKAT: MMMMF!!!  
DAVE: uh fuck sorry was that too much did i overdo it again haha classic strider bullshit am i r-  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: THAT  
KARKAT: THAT WAS NICE. (:B  
JADE: awwwwwwwwww :)))  
JADE: you two are so dumb, hehehe!  
DAVE: btw whats this meddling in karkats cursed past im hearing about  
JADE: we were discussing how you and karkat both used to have huuuge crushes on june!  
KARKAT: BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME DAVE EVER GOT OVER HIS.  
DAVE: tbh i could say the same about you karkles  
KARKAT: IMPOSSIBLE. I RECOVERED FROM THAT AFFLICTION SWEEPS AGO.  
JADE: so you admit to it!!!  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
DAVE: wait did you not know about the whole trolling her backward through time because he made a fool of himself thing  
DAVE: i swear ive told that story before  
JADE: no, you did! of course i already knew about karkat’s crush.  
JADE: i just wanted to hear it from his mouth, so i could quote this specific conversation in the future while doing a funny impression of him!  
DAVE: that is extremely valid  
DAVE: doing impressions of karkat is the funniest shit  
KARKAT: HONESTLY, I CAN’T DENY THAT.  
KARKAT: IT FORCES PEOPLE TO LOWER THEMSELVES TO MY LEVEL AND MAKE AN UTTER GODDAMN FOOL OF THEMSELVES, JUST LIKE I AM FORCED TO DO EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.  
KARKAT: MAYBE WITH ENOUGH TIME SPENT PRETENDING TO BE ME, ONE CAN FINALLY BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THE PURE AGONY THAT IS MY DAILY EXISTENCE.  
JADE: hehehehe!  
KARKAT: IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE YOU PARTICULARLY CHEERFUL TODAY, JADE?  
JADE: ding ding ding! today’s been a pretty awesome day!  
JADE: or should i say... a puretty awesome day ;)  
KARKAT: WAIT, OH MY GOG!  
KARKAT: DID DAVEPETA FINALLY SHOW YOU THAT SPOT THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT?  
JADE: you know it :D  
DAVE: hey what  
DAVE: a new hangout spot i wasnt alerted of  
DAVE: someone gimme the coords rn  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE:   
DAVE: it has spontaneously occurred to me that maybe this is a lowkey private spot for jade and davepeta specifically and asking to go there is very stupid  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
JADE: karkat’s right dummy, the location is a secret!  
JADE: but i can still tell you about it :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter we're gonna get that sweet sweet jadedavepeta content Just You Wait


	2. jade tells a story

JADE: they texted me these coordinates for a part of the world i’d never explored before, so naturally i was excited! but when i got there it was just a plain old forest.  
JADE: don’t get me wrong forests are neat! but man this was a biiiig forest. just trees and trees and more trees everywhere i looked, covering the grass completely.  
JADE: davepeta came whooshing out of a tree and yelled  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hey jade!  
JADE: oh hi davepeta!!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < can somebody puretty please open this door  
KARKAT: YEAH, LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: BOO < karkat!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < its been a while since we chatted it up huh  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < meowre things going fur you  
DAVE: fuck thats such a good pun  
KARKAT: IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING AS A “GOOD” PUN?  
DAVE: of cour–  
KARKAT: WAIT, DON’T ANSWER THAT, I’M TALKING TO DAVEPETA NOW.  
KARKAT: YOUR SORRY ASS IS GONNA HAVE TO WAIT ITS TURN.  
DAVE: th–  
KARKAT: I’M DOING SURPRISINGLY WELL THESE DAYS, DAVEPETA.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hell yeah you deserve it man  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < howz about you dave did you finish that track  
DAVE: it still needs some polishing but goddamn your beatboxing is revolutionary  
DAVE: i wasnt sure what was missing before we recorded those samples  
DAVE: turns out i really just needed some davecat action  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < beatboxing fuckin rules  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < especially when mew got the potential of thr33 species with radically different vocal cord types at your clawtips  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < really idk how i efur managed with a boring old human voice  
DAVE: yeah yeah i get it youre better at sick fires than ill ever be  
DAVE: no need to rub it in so much dpets  
DAVE: my self esteem levels are plummeting as we speak  
DAVE: the stuffy investors living somewhere in my brain are going batty at these numbers  
DAVE: how will they buy all their grandnephews and grandnieces highend gaming laptops if they lose all their money in this disastrous venture  
DAVE: youre completely ruining these spoiled nine year olds lives dp  
JADE: aaaaaaanyway!  
JADE: before davepeta got here i was telling a story! or have we all forgotten about that already??  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: wait  
KARKAT: WAIT??  
DAVE: sorry i forgot what i was gonna say  
JADE: oh my god!!!!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hey wait a fuckin second   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < not to delay your story even more but i never said hi to you purropurrly jade  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *bounces over to you and winks behind my shades*  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *my wink is so ofurblown my shades start bouncing comically on my face in the aftermath*  
JADE: *bounces head up and down, imitating the shades as they bounce lower and lower*  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *just as the shades stop moving i sneak in and give mew a kiss!*  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < *smek*  
JADE: :D  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < ok now onto the story!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i spot jade in the air so i fly up and gr33t her above the tr33s   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < tell her ive got a surpurrise waiting  
JADE: this doubles my curiosity! what could they possibly have waiting for me in this abandoned corner of the world??  
JADE: so i let them pull me down to the ground  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i tell her weve gotta hike a bunch to get ofur there  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < didnt want her to accidentally ruin the dramatic reveal i had planned by finding it too soon or anythin  
JADE: wow, we were walking for a long time after that, huh?  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < furty five minutes to be exact  
JADE: that’s weird, i definitely wouldn’t have seen it from even five minutes away...  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: P33 < ok so i miiiight have sent us that fur away intentionally so we could chat fur a while lmao  
JADE: :O you sneaky little bastard!!  
JADE: it was a nice walk though :)  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < mission accomplished  
JADE: near the end of our journey we encountered a massive hill  
JADE: climbing it was tough but completely worth it for the view at the top  
DAVE: why didnt you just yknow  
DAVE: fly to the top  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < beclaws that would ruin the surpurrise!  
JADE: i thought we were heading up to a clearing at the top of the hill or something  
JADE: but when we got there the land abruptly dropped away and we were staring into this crazy chasm hundreds of feet deep  
JADE: little protrusions of rock dotted the walls, and trees somehow managed to grow on them!  
JADE: there was even a waterfall pouring over the far edge, plummeting all the way to the bottom with a great roar  
JADE: wow i am not describing this well enough...  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < bullshit!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < youre describing it so well i can picture it in my mind  
JADE: that’s because you’ve been there silly!!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh right lmao  
JADE: just trust me when i say it was breathtaking  
DAVE: dont worry jdog i get the picture  
KARKAT: ME TOO! IT SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.  
JADE: now that the story is done... can i hear your song dave?  
DAVE: wait you actually wanna hear it  
DAVE: like for real this isnt the setup to a joke or smth  
JADE: yeah i do!!!!  
DAVE: damn ofc you can hear it  
DAVE: in fact ill take you down to the studio in the basement rn  
JADE: thank you dave :)  
DAVE: do you wanna take the stairs or the waterslide  
JADE: the WHAT?? :OOO  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> davepeta is a blast to write!!! next chapter is gonna be them and karkat :3


	3. therapy time

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so i guess its just mew and me fur the time being karkitty  
KARKAT: YEAH, THEY SHOULD BE OCCUPIED FOR AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR DOWN THERE.  
KARKAT: ONCE DAVE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HIS MUSIC, IT’S SOMEHOW MORE IMPOSSIBLE TO GET HIM TO SHUT UP THAN IT USUALLY IS.  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH I GUESS I DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < when mew get into the groove time just starts flyin!  
KARKAT: HAHA, IT SURE FUCKING DOES.  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh i just realized something  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < its b33n a while since one of our little therapy sessions  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < are mew down to shoot the shit ameowt f33lings today?  
KARKAT: AMEOWT? THAT’S A STRETCH.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but it isnt a stretch to assume that youre not in tip top shape rn  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cmon karkat its not a big deal or anythin  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cmooooooooon  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon  
KARKAT: OKAY OKAY FINE!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: BDD < fuck yeah  
KARKAT: UGH, IT’S JUST... SO STUPID.  
KARKAT: THE THING IS, I WASN’T EVEN LYING WHEN I TOLD YOU I’M DOING GREAT THESE DAYS.  
KARKAT: ME AND DAVE FINALLY GOT SHOCKED OUT OF OUR MUTUAL MULTISWEEP DENIAL PHASE, I’M LEAVING THE HOUSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.  
KARKAT: TEREZI’S BACK, AND SHE SEEMS REALLY HAPPY WITH VRISKA.  
KARKAT: BUT THERE’S STILL A LITTLE VOICE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD TELLING ME IT’S NOT GONNA LAST.  
KARKAT: THAT ONE OF THESE DAYS, I’M GONNA FUCK IT ALL UP FOR EVERYBODY.  
KARKAT: NO WAY IS THIS LEVEL OF HAPPINESS SUSTAINABLE FOR MORE THAN A BLISSFUL SWEEP OR TWO.  
KARKAT: OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN CHOCK FULL OF MISERY FOR AS LONG AS WE’VE LIVED THEM, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT ALL JUST STOP NOW??  
KARKAT: IT JUST... IT ISN’T ADDING UP.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that isnt dumb at all karkat  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < its really fuckin weird to adjust to a normal life after the bullshit paradox space put us all through  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < most of our party never even mew what a “normal life” was supposed to mean afpurr all  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < life wasnt the wurst fur nepeta since she didnt get herself tangled up in alternian society  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B(( < but you know how bad it got fur dave  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B(( < and you know how bad it got fur you!!  
KARKAT: WE REALLY GOT THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF OUR ALREADY GODAWFUL PLANETS, DIDN’T WE.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B(( < exactly  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so the dissonance youre f33ling is purrfectly natural  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < have you tried talking to dave about this?  
KARKAT: WELL, NO.  
KARKAT: SURE, THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE THAT HE FEELS A SIMILAR WAY ABOUT HIS LIFE, BUT I DON’T WANT HIM BLAMING HIMSELF FOR MY PROBLEMS.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh yeah hed totally do that lmao  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but to be completely fair you blame yourself fur daves problems too!  
KARKAT: YEAH, ALRIGHT, YOU HAVE A POINT.  
KARKAT: MAYBE I’LL BRING IT UP WITH HIM ONE OF THESE DAYS.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hell yeah   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i think itd make both of you f33l a lot better  
KARKAT: THANK YOU, DAVEPETA.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < all in a days work haha  
KARKAT: NO, SERIOUSLY.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE ALWAYS SO WILLING TO LISTEN TO ALL MY BULLSHIT, AND YOU KNOW JUST WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I’D BE WITHOUT YOU AROUND.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B'33 < karkat thats so sweet wtf  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B'33 < youre killin me ofur hWHOA  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FU-UCK???  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: BOO < it appears that the floor is bouncing  
KARKAT: YEAH N-O SHIT!!!!!  
KARKAT: I SHOULDN’T HA-AVE LEFT THOSE T-TWO ALONE FO-OR MORE THAN FI-IVE SE-E-ECONDS!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < dont furry about it dude i bet they didnt break anything yet  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in fact im kinda curious  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < here ill fly us down there  
KARKAT: AS LONG AS YOU DON’T TAKE THE WATERSLIDE.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: P33 < no purromises  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm, I wonder what Jade and Dave are up to.....


End file.
